My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
oh you like architecture? name three walls