You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
a fate I wish upon no one
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*pronounces woah like Noah*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there