Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
worst…sale…ever
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
can’t catch a break