so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime