Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The absolute effort that went into this omg
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.