A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My what?