In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I missed you with all my darts
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait