I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….