Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw