Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
How actors in movies eat their food
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me