Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
How does one answer this?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.