*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
emergency phone
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
courtroom exchange of the day
Real House Wines.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Mmmm canned fish.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press