“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Said the murderer.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Meow
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
his wife is probably gonna see that
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp