Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.