Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
saw this in a dream
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
The days of good grammer has went
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*