Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
You Might Also Like
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!