I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.