What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Ah yes. The three genders
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you