I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”