Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Guantanamo Bae
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.