3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Lmao the reply
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?