Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Every damn time
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it