Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
You Might Also Like
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
when someone rings the doorbell
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
the three genders
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”