In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I like crazy people until they notice me
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder