Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6