millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
The news
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
gm
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920