Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
why isn’t he texting back
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”