[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
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Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Flock of bats
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.