WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.