I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Good morning y’all ☀️
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees