I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
the council will decide your fate
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly