Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
WHY?!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
new career option?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these