shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.