*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
That lamp looks PISSED.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If I ignore life will it go away?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
LMAO.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.