[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Well, shit
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.