80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I am yelling
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Breaking news:
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
c’mon!
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.