It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
You Might Also Like
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
X-tra spooky blend
HOW DARE YOU
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Good point.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
welp
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.