Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Very good news from my accountant
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*