[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.