Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’