Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing