Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”