Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
announcer: now presenting hollywood鈥檚 most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don鈥檛 like confrontation so I just stole it.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn鈥檛 need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Me: I鈥檓 going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It鈥檚 Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Her: 馃槈 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
5: Mommy, you鈥檙e a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She鈥檚 always been that way.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”