The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.