I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
just gave your address to some spiders
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.