Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.