Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
what day is it?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?