coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”