If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.