Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Doggies just call it style.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.